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I have been job hunting for a few months now. I currently am in Baltimore, though I’ve been thinking about moving. I moved here basically just because its where I got my first job offer. I’m living in a suburb and commuting on the Beltway and 83 to get to work everyday and it makes me crazy. I love to drive, but I hate that I have to drive to EVERYTHING. Nothing is within walking distance.

And that used to be normal. I grew up in suburbs. But then I spent 6 months living in Ireland and travelling through Italy…and walked everywhere. And I severely miss that sort of lifestyle. It felt so good. (And was sooo much cheaper, what with gas prices…).

In general, I haven’t been thrilled with Baltimore. I’ve never felt less safe in a city, nor found one to be more frustrating to get around. And its expensive and I don’t make much.

So I went visiting friends of mine in North Jersey who all live in an adorable area right outside NYC and take ferries to work in the city and walk down to the corner shop…etc. And I though, THIS is what I want. But NYC is way expensive. And I do have a boyfriend and friends here in MD. So I thought, what about DC. There are adorable outlying towns there with a stellar metro and bus system. So I started applying for jobs.

And then, something changed. I found a horse to, not only ride, but help train. The chihuahua of my roommate’s that used to annoy me to death is now like my best friend and when she takes him to her parents when she visits I miss the darn dog so much I almost pout. I’ve gotten to know roommate #3 and he’s a pretty chill guy. Things with the boyfriend are…sparkling and for the first time in my life, I don’t feel the urge to flee a relationship.

So when I got a request the other day from a Fairfax company that I applied to in September, I was floored. It was exactly what I’d been wanting. But all I could do was think about what would happen if they liked me and offered me a job. I would have to move. And then what.

All of a sudden, all I could think about were all the things that suddenly made me want to stay. And I knew I didn’t want to go anymore. I am, heaven forbid, actually happy. Sure, I don’t like having to drive everywhere..but I have everything else I could want.

I agonized and eventually turned the interview down because I realized that even if I got the job…I’d say no because I don’t want to give up what I have here.

Is it weird that it bothers me that I’m happy in the life I have? I always pictured myself moving a lot, taking a bunch of different jobs, not settling down. And I pictured myself happy that way; I wanted to be happy that way.

And even though I’m happy now, it bothers me that I don’t want to move around and have different jobs and not know what’s next. It kind of bothers me that I actually like being in one place. That I’m happy in my relationship and *gasp* don’t feel like I’m drowning when I think of maybe having a future with him.

How ‘effed up is it that I’m happy? Well, not that I’m happy, but the reasons I’m happy.

So this is just a beginning. I’ve never done this before so I’m just letting all the marbles roll around in my head at the moment. Well, I’ve had rambling online journals before, but never have I had a purpose or a direction. That’s new. I can’t even come up with a catchy title, which irritates me. It’ll come though.

Nor can I figure out how to change the theme. I go to presenation, I can preview anything, but I can’t figure out how to make anything stick…puzzling. Wonder if it has something to do with my old iBook here and the fact that I’m running one of the first versions of Safari (Yes, old. Yes, I know I should upgrade. Hush. I’m broke and angling for fantastically expensive Christmas gifts.). I’ll have to check it out from my PC at work on Monday and see if that’s any different.

~LL

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